Sure, we could cover the ENIAC, or the ARPANET, but the best technology’s the crazy technology that never actually happened. Or rather, was sold, but was complete bunk. Can you imagine how much easier your life would be with a…

HYPNO-COIN?!?

You’ll notice that the example for the hypno-coin is a woman, powerless under a nerd’s spell. Why not just call it the rohypno-coin? It’d at least be more honest. Still, the idea of a portable hypnotizer’s appealing. Almost as appealing as a…

POLARIS NUCLEAR SUB?!?

For the child who doesn’t have enough two person nuclear submarines. The Polaris Nuclear Sub, which was a real giant-sized submarine. According to the ad it weighs “over 200lb.” Not according to the ad, it is an “underwater coffin” for your “stupid kids.” Why, it’s almost as deadly as…

STOMACH IRON THAT’D PROBABLY KILL YOU IF YOU USED IT?

It’s 1950. You’re fat. The Charles Atlas thing didn’t help. So why not buy a giant, vibrating iron that you’d apply to your stomach fat, likely electrocuting you horribly? Hey, nobody’ll care about how fat you are when you’re dead!

Well, that’s it for this installment of “Bad Ads.” Tune in next time for more terrible technology that’d probably kill you!

Asterios Kokkinos

I've written for National Lampoon & Cracked Magazine, been featured on NPR's "Marketplace", and had a pilot screen at the New York Television Festival. I've performed stand-up all over NY, Boston & LA. I love Babylon 5, yelling at the TV with my dad and naps.

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